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Calming the Storm of Emotions

Calming the Storm of Emotions

We could all use help calming down when big emotions overtake us. When we encounter a stressful situation, our body is flooded with physical and emotional responses. As adults we usually can find our way to the “other side” incorporating strategies that have worked in the past. Our children have had less experience and a less mature nervous system, and regulation is more difficult in times of anxiety and stress. Creating a daily calm down routine into our children’s life will serve them well as they grow and encounter more times of turmoil. Modeling your own daily mindful breathing, meditation, yoga or relaxation technique will give them the motivation to try.

Daily Calming Routines for Infants:

Calming routines for infants always include the parent or caregiver. Look for your infant to go through 6 behavioral states throughout the day: quiet alert, active alert, drowsy, crying, and deep and light sleep. ( T. Berry Brazelton) Parents should look for the quiet alert time that happens several times in a day. This is the time for the adults to put away the cell phones, turn off the TV, and turn in to their baby. Use the quiet alert time to engage your baby in massage, reflective communication, or perhaps introduction to music. This is the time to respond and enjoy, allowing the quiet to be relaxing and regenerative. Be present in that moment, and reflect back to your little one what you see and feel. You are learning about her/his cues and they are learning yours! Respond quickly to their cues and build trust. Make it part of your daily routine and soon you will notice how well your baby is self- regulating.

Daily Calming Routines for Toddlers and Preschoolers:

Toddlers are always on the go! Keeping the calming routines in their day is a bit harder than it was when they were infants. But it is more necessary now than ever before. Modeling your routine will be the most effective way to encourage your child to do the same. Our children want to do what we do; they imitate everything … good or bad! Routine is the first strategy to help a child regulate themselves, as structure is much more calming than Chaos. Calming strategies may include:

  • Classical music while quietly looking at books, or coloring

  • Bending and stretching while taking BIG breaths, blowing feathers, cotton balls or scarves into a bucket or back and forth to each other.

  • Fluid movements like dancing to music with ribbons or scarves may be helpful as well; turning the music off and stopping movement, then resuming the dance may encourage better attention and mindfulness (being present in the moment).

  • Creating a sensory space- sand or bean bucket to explore or a jar with water and glitter to shake and watch.

  • Finally using common language at these times can help a child begin to learn how they feel and what works to regulate their bodies.

Each child, just like each adult, will be calmed by different methods. Including reflective language like: “big breaths help me calm down and feel good”, or “music and dancing puts me in a happy Place”, or “It is time for me to stretch I feel frustrated,” gives children information they can begin to use and understand. Labeling how we feel and helping them label their feelings will go a long way to regulating their bodies.

Using these calming routines when a child begins to have big emotions takes the theory into practice. If you and your child have been in the habit of using a calming routine, then incorporating these methods when your child begins to feel dysregulated, (frustrated, anxious or angry), should be doable. Using the common language and reflecting feelings helps the child feel safe and may help him get to the next part of the routine: breathing, stretching, etc….and ultimately calm enough to listen and process his emotions.

References: John Gottman, Gottman Insstitute,

Ellen Galinsky, Mind in The Making, Website

Traditions: Reflection of Values

At this time of year I often reflect on my traditions, and what they mean to me and my family. Traditions connect one generation with another, bringing shared family values into our daily lives. Our Children learn what we hold dear, what is important and necessary to us, through our incorporation of these values into our home life. Families are as unique as the people within them, and traditions exemplify these differences. John Gottman, author of Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child says, “Rituals symbolize cultural identity and values we share with our families.” Therefore traditions, whether inspired by holidays or daily life, are important for emotional connection within a family.

What constitutes a family tradition or ritual? How can parents incorporate them into their very busy lives? Many rituals are already a part of the day whether we consciously know it or not. For instance: Bedtime routines may include classical music, favorite books or special words repeated nightly, or meals may be “special” on Friday night or Sunday afternoon. Families come to rely on these comforting words or actions, uniting them through shared activity. Some traditions however, need to be thought out and take deliberate planning. Discussing with your co-parent what shared values you want your children to have as they grow, helps with creating rituals to reinforce those values. Whether it is sitting down together as a family to eat, having a “no screen night “or taking your kids to the theater for their birthday; what you do with your children will impart your values onto them.

As parents we strive to make our children feel happy, safe and secure; incorporating purposeful events that reoccur and specified time gives them a sense of security, while the anticipation of the event provides the happiness. As we enter this holiday season, let us be conscious of the traditions we want to incorporate into our children’s lives.

“Children remember the moments that happen again and again… the rituals that they can count on and make them feel safe and loved. Rituals and traditions can stay with them forever.” Galinsky 2001

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